Notes to Myself

Depression is a horrible thing. I’ve struggled with it all of my life. I shouldn’t complain. My mother and both grandmothers had schizophrenia so I’m really fortunate. But that’s not the topic of this missive. Notes. I make a lot of notes to myself and I put them where I can find them. Yeah. A year later! So writing is a very creative thing and ideas don’t always pop up exactly when I have time or the enthusiasm to write them down. This creates a lot of notes which are specifically about whatever I’m working on at the time I wrote them. I’ll find these notes months or years afterward and realize I’d had that idea but forgot about it – because I lost the note – and moved the story in another direction. The importance of storing notes where I can find them obviously needs to be a priority for me.

I haven’t written for so long that my arm aches as I’m writing this but I believe I have officially come out of the dark tunnel I’ve been in for so the last few months. I can think better. I can see better! I can drive safer than I did when I had that reaction. I’m also working again, not only on the renovation but also on my writing. I’ve also been working on the cover for Dorian one and actually started to gather ideas for Dorian two. I like to stay ahead when I can!

I came up with a novel cover idea and worked with it and, after watching a couple of Youtube videos on how to use the shape builder tool, I came up with a cover that is not exactly what I had in mind but that I actually like. I changed the cover on Joanna 1 several times because I just really had no idea how to do a cover. Thankfully, I’ve learned a lot since then. Dorian 1’s cover has more of southwest feel to it than I’d planned but it has all the elements I was wanting and it looked nice as of last night. I’m letting it rest so I can view it with fresh eyes today and see what I really think of it, remembering my epiphany of quilting. I’ve taught myself over decades to be more compassionate in some of the areas where I realized my inner critic was absolutely merciless! Creating artwork in Illustrator is going to be another one of those areas.

I’ve had to learn how to break down creating the cover into a series of smaller tasks which are easier for me to handle at this moment instead of one huge sit down where I conquer the world, end world hunger and bring about world peace. I’m still sometimes a type A person, especially when it comes to learning new tasks.

Which brings me to the subject of this post. Notes. I’m certain when I was reworking Dorian 2 that I saved a certain character who was killed in the rough draft. I ‘remember’ rewriting it and then journaling that I’d changed the story line and would need to remember to continue that change throughout the following books. But when I went to read through it, I noticed it wasn’t done. That character still died.

I had to stop a moment and wonder if I’d dreamed it. I do have complex dreams about things I’m thinking about in real life and often about concepts and realities I don’t want to think about in real life. So it was entirely possible I’d dreamed about saving this character. The other option was that I’d made a note about saving him but then lost it. That is also a very real possibility. The third option doesn’t bear consideration because it’s too scary – the possibility that I’ve lost a version of a book I’ve written and all the changes and character development I’d worked on. That was a horrifying thought!

So I saved him. It’s a moment where Dorian is on the precipice of staying the same or vowing to bring the change that he saw in Crestival into his own world. While he really believes Joanna is the only one to create the change, really and truly the only one who can create that alteration is himself. We can only change ourselves and no one else. So it’s an important point in Dorian’s character path. Also, randomly, I’m certain it means something to Olozcho, the character being saved. He’ll go on to participate in future stories and have more life. I know it may sound crazy to think about my characters as if they were real people but for me they kind of are.

I’m not a a great artist at all. I’ve done a lot of things but I know people who can do them all better and prettier than I can. Still, I have to say I’m proud of my quilting start. Bees were the topic since bee lives and all the benefits (of pollination) they bring are so important. I’ll add honey to that benefit since, when I got MRSA when I was caring for my Dad in 2007, they just really had no idea how to treat the resistant staph. A microbiologist came up with the idea of using honey, specifically Manuka Honey, to treat MRSA and it worked! So while bees do pollinate great things for us like coffee, there are other benefits they offer which are also worth preserving.

Bee Quilt Top.

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