Merry New Year

I didn’t even review my posts for this year because I already know. 2022 was a really difficult year for me personally. I’ve spent a lot of this year sick. It’s the main obstacle I’ve had which has caused me to be unable to do the things I most wanted to accomplish. It’s affected relationships, including my relationship with myself, and affected my work. It has affected what I was able to get done this year to a huge extent. I’ve had a huge amount of mental illness this year that I’ve tried to cover up because I didn’t want to admit to myself just how bad things had become.

Depression, anxiety, crushing fear and apprehension over a certain situation which I believed represented a small change in my world but became a change so huge that it just really cracked all of the recovery skills and progress I’d made in two decades and set me back – gosh, set me back a decade or more. I feel like I’m starting over in some ways. I apologize for not getting Dorian 2 out in a timely manner. I spent all of my time this year writing on the same book which became a way for me to process a really terrible and tremendous series of flashbacks of an event I thought I had already processed through.That is how I process my trauma. I started writing when I was thirteen after a terribly tragic event my parents exposed me to that just changed me completely. I write to get it all out of me and I’m up to a thousand pages on that book and I work on that to numb myself, process through emotions, and keep my mind busy so it won’t continue to run in never-ending circles of worry, fear, depression, and crippling anxiety. It accomplished that but it meant I got little else done. I’m actually really surprised I was able to complete the classes I took this year because my health was so bad.

It’s my hope to be able to release Dorian 2 early next year but I won’t make promises I may not be able to keep. I’m still having a lot of issues. I’ve had to reconnect with doctors and update my PCP on issues I thought I had solved, start medications again to keep control of my mental health. I’ve got people checking in on me that – I really thought I had no support network but it turns out I do and I’m so grateful for that. I’m aware that Depression kills. I’ve worked in mental health, so I know the risks and the stats. I don’t want to be a stat so I’ve focused on myself in a new way this last six months to the exclusion of all else. With that said, Dorian is still on my mind and my goal is still to finish the series even as I work on this other book which became a series all it’s own and continue to pursue my education to be the best of my ability. I’m grateful for those who read my blog here and those who read my books. I’m looking forward to a new year full of hope and promise. Every processed flashback is one more festering wound cleared out of my soul. I don’t enjoy the process, but it is what it is.

Wishing everyone a wonderful Holiday season however you choose to celebrate and safe travels. I wish you new friends and connections which will bring you joy and hope for all the days yet to come. I wish us all a stable world in which we can continue to explore and grow.

I wish you peace. Happy Everything.

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