I don’t do resolutions anymore. I gave up on those a long time ago. But I do believe that changing from one calendar to the next is an opportunity to re-evaluate things and shift my perspective. I’m not alone in saying that last year was one of the hardest years I’ve ever had to survive. During my doctor’s appointments, I always have to fill out a depression inventory and, at some point, one of the doctors got to examining my answers to those. That prompted a psychiatrist visit.
I was completely overwhelmed last year and discussing this whole thing with the psychiatrist was in some ways intimidating but at least I can talk about it now. I guess that means I’m the conqueror to some degree. She told me that I’m exactly on track with my CPTSD and that I’m doing everything right – Not what my anxiety is telling me – and that I should just keep on swimming.
She also told me I should write a book.
I don’t tell many people that I’m a published author. I mean, my sales aren’t where I’d like them to be but then I’m not really promoting myself nor am I releasing new work. And all of that is entirely my fault. Instead, what I’m doing is playing with it all and learning my art. My vision is to be an author who creates her own cover art and can also help others to get their work up on Amazon and do their cover art! That’s my goal.
I guess I should do it for me first before I start to advertise.
So, with that, I’m going to try to set aside time every day to work on Dorian 2 which has been on my to-do list for – well, a really long time. I know what needs to be done and what has to change yet I’m unsure what that will do to the character arc.
I realized some time ago that I was putting my trauma and the processing of that trauma into my books. I realized Joanna was in a huge part a representation of me and my journey. In some ways, Dorian’s story mirrors my own better than Joanna’s. His experience of childhood adversity and being hounded by people who only wanted to hurt him mirrors experiences I’ve gone through which is perhaps one of the reasons I’m having so many issues with this particular book. Once trauma is processed, it becomes like a scar but scars can still be tender sometimes. They can occasionally break open and bleed again and need to reheal. With flashbacks from when I was 13 re-emerging last year, many of them of memories I hadn’t even realized I was carrying or had experienced, this becomes more real to me. I know I’m far from being the only one to walk this path. In fact, I believe there are many people who go through this.
Sadly, that shared sense of sisterhood knowing I’m not alone in this struggle doesn’t actually comfort me. What does comfort me is the fact that the Spring Semester is just around the corner. I’m going to a different campus to get away from paying for parking. I could do that when my grocery bill wasn’t scary. Yet another reason last year was so hard. This will be a new adventure for me and I’m going to be conquering math next which – I hope I’ve honed my combat skills. Math has always been hard for me to grasp, and I’ve got a lot of work to do to catch up. But there will also be art and that has been what is carrying me through all these hard times.
I’m so looking forward to putting out more books and sharing my writing with others, even if I just end up pulling them all down, doing better artwork on the covers and completely revamping them for a second release! I’m an author! I can do that! And I’m writing as well, on a book I started right after the massive flashback I had in June of last year which set off the misery cycle I was in for the latter half of the year. That book has been a huge comfort for me and the thousand pages of text I’ve generated are a testimony to the fact that we as humans can turn any hard thing into a good thing. We just have to decide whether we want lemonade or a margarita.
My hope is to be able to keep up with my author blog better this year and to have more encouraging things to post. I really hope that 2023 does its part by being cooperative and not being a brat. I hope the new year brings us all hope and courage, joy and contentment. I hope that by the end of this year, I will have two books released! I don’t do resolutions but I resolve to keep fighting the fight. I refuse to quit. If life keeps giving me lemons, then I’ll just have more margaritas!